Funny And Humourous Jokes, Emails,Stories and pictures

107 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Woman

2010-12-27T05:51:00.000-08:00

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Alcohol stains wash out.
3. You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Alcohol is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Alcohol never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. beer doesn’t demand equality.
21. A beer doesn’t care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn’t mind being in the “wet spot” that IT left.
27. You can’t catch anything but a “buzz” from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you’re committed to nothing other than
dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves
you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn’t look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn’t worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn’t worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn’t get cramps.
37. Beer doesn’t have a mother.
38. Beer doesn’t have morals.
39. Beer doesn’t go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don’t go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn’t whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn’t have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn’t demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don’t have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won’t run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn’t have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn’t need much closet space.
50. Beer can’t give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn’t complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn’t mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn’t tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn’t make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn’t tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer doesn’t mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn’t pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn’t need to go to the ‘powder room’ with other beers.
66. Beer doesn’t wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn’t mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn’t complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn’t use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn’t live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn’t blow you off.
72. Beer doesn’t care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn’t bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn’t mind football season.
75. A beer won’t make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell “carburetor” than a woman.
77. A beer doesn’t think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn’t think DOS is pronounced “dose”.
79. A beer doesn’t give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials
with babies are “cute”.
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say “doberman”
instead of “doberperson”.
83. A beer won’t get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of
lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
84. A beer won’t claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won’t raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a “three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8″ around a beer,
it won’t think you’re talking about an enormous can of vegetable
juice.
87. A beer won’t whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won’t smoke in your car.
89. A beer won’t argue that there’s no difference between shooting
down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean
airliner out of the sky.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and share
your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration
sports in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes *good*.
96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then
decide to drink it, the beer won’t accuse you of “date rape”.
97. A beer won’t raise any objections to an evening of watching
“John Holmes’ Greatest Hits” on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won’t make you pick up some tampons when you go to the
grocery store.
100. A beer won’t accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse
“just for the articles”. (You *are* lying, but the beer won’t
accuse you of it).
101. A beer won’t worry that you’ll go to jail if you videotape a
Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the
National Football League.
102. A beer won’t fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the
excuse: “But I saved a quarter!”
103. A beer will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
104. A beer will *never* make you turn off “Fists of Fury Theater” on
channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
105. A beer won’t accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say “Gene
Hackman” instead of “Gene Hackperson”.
106. A beer won’t make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that
tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
107. When you’re through with a beer, the thought of another beer
doesn’t make you ill.

MY KIND OF DOCTOR

2010-10-02T20:14:00.000-07:00

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exerciseprogram?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

Impossible to Please

2009-08-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Electric Train and son

2009-08-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A Really Bad Day

2009-08-25T18:19:00.000-07:00

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

2009-08-25T18:13:00.000-07:00

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Blonde Joke - You Got Mail

2009-08-08T19:27:00.001-07:00

You've got mail, the Blonde version
A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

Blonde paint job

2009-08-08T19:23:00.000-07:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Still A Virgin

2009-08-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.

On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new room, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was an IBM Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be, but never delivered.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was collect stamps."

- God I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to really get screwed this time!"

Valentines

2009-08-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Lawyers Leave A Bad Taste

2009-08-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Getting A Better Warranty

2009-08-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

First-Class Chick

2009-08-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

A beautiful blonde gets on an airplane going to Los Angeles and sits in First Class. The flight attendant tells her that her ticket is for a coach seat and would she please go to her proper seat. The blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class."

"I'm sorry," says the flight attendant "but your ticket is for coach and this seat was paid for by someone else." At which the blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class."

The flight attendant goes to the pilot with the problem. The pilot walks up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her coach seat. The flight attendant asks the pilot what she said to the blonde.

"It's simple," says the female pilot "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles."

Blonde Kidnapper

2009-08-07T19:12:00.000-07:00

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Breast Stroke Swimmer

2009-08-07T19:06:00.000-07:00

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition - the brunette came in first, and the redhead was a close second. Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

Getting Lucky In Vegas

2009-08-07T19:04:00.000-07:00

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.

A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"

"Buzz off!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"

His Name Fits

2009-08-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

Dork is not too bright, but he was very lucky. He paid $1 for a lottery ticket, and he won $100,000.

So he went to the lottery office with the winning ticket to claim his $100,000 prize.

Unfortunately, Dork didn't read the small print. The lottery official explained that he would get $10,000 cash today, and nine installments of $10,000 yearly.

Dork was furious, thinking he was being cheated, and he screamed at the official, "Look! I want all my money right now or give me back my dollar!"

Funny China Tags/SignBoards

2009-08-07T06:01:00.000-07:00

Don't Let Mom do the Wedding Invitations!

2009-08-07T05:55:00.002-07:00

YOU ARE REGRETFULLY INVITED TO THE WEDDING BETWEEN MY PERFECT SON,

THE DOCTOR

AND SOME

CHEAP TWO-BIT-TRAMP

WHO’S NAME ESCAPES ME RIGHT NOW.

THE BIGGEST DISASTER IN MY FAMILY’S HISTORY WILL TAKE PLACE AT

9PM ON SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8TH

AND NO DOUBT END IN DIVORCE.
HOPEFULLY IN TIME TO STILL BE ELIGIBLE FOR AN ANNULMENT.
THE OVERWHELMINGLY DISAPPOINTING HEARTBREAK OF A CEREMONY WILL BE FOLLOWED BY DINNER, WHERE NUTS WILL BE SERVED
BECAUSE WHATSHERFACE HAS AN ALLERGY.

Funny Taglines

2009-08-07T05:55:00.001-07:00

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
My reality check just bounced.
Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
LISP: Lots of Idiotic Stupid Parenthesis
Press Ctrl-Alt-Delete to Save
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps.
"DesqView!" ...Gesundheit.
**FLASH** Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Not tonight dear.... I have a modem.
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse??
Help stamp out and abolish repetitive redundancy!
Easy as 3.14159265358979323846...
C code. C code run. Run, code, run ... PLEASE!
How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?
Me hav'em heap trouble. - Tonto the programmer
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
To increase speed add lightness
Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.
Old Mcdonald had a computer, with EIA I/O.
Taco Bell Laboratories: where UNIX programmers eat out.
I'm sorry my Karma ran over your Dogma.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore....
Mary had a little RAM- about a MEG or so.
Eunuchs, the non-gender-specific OS
One if by LAN, 2 if by C, 3 if by ERR.
Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down!
I/O, I/O, it's off to work we go...
Talk is cheap - Because supply exceeds demand.

Funny Want Ads

2009-08-07T05:54:00.001-07:00

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Nun of your business.

2009-08-07T05:53:00.000-07:00

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in
a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue
of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you
like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf
on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Husband and Wife Joke

2009-08-07T05:50:00.000-07:00

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Tax rebate

2009-08-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600 rebate..

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, it will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras, and Guatemala .

If we purchase a car it will go to Japan .

None of it will help the U.S. economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA .

How to Dance in the Rain

2009-08-07T05:47:00.002-07:00

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.
He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,

'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,

'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought I could share with you.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'

Some Days You Just Need Your Wife!

2009-08-07T05:47:00.001-07:00

The Florida State Trooper

2009-08-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 100 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 120 mph, then 130, then 140. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 20 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

2009-08-07T05:41:00.002-07:00

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

50 RULES FOR WOMEN

2009-08-07T05:41:00.001-07:00

This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
29. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
34. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
35. Don't make 50 rules when 35 will do.

Hurricane Survival Kit

2009-08-07T05:39:00.001-07:00

Toilet Paper........................................check

Bud Light........................................... check

Keystone Ice........................................check

Budweiser..........................................check

Red Dog.............................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol............. ..........check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on .......check

How to pronounce Oklahoma:

2009-08-07T05:36:00.001-07:00

I never knew this. I am so glad my friends provide me information that can help me more properly use the English language.

There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce

Oklahoma
The Proper Way is: ' Okla . . Homa'

(There's a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.)

I can prove it...

Haha

Job Opening

2009-08-07T05:35:00.000-07:00

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched Straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing Welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to Escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to Satisfy her sexual urges . You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is 200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You're bullshittin' me!'
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . You started it.'

Glass of beer

2009-08-07T05:34:00.001-07:00

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl from Kentucky are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
"In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink
with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and
calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans
and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America !

Old Lady

2009-08-07T05:32:00.002-07:00

One day I saw a wonderful old gal sitting on her front step, so I walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look!

What is your secret for such a long, happy life?

"I smoke ten stogies a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. All my life I've eaten only junk food and I put away at least a
fifth of Jack Daniels every week. On weekends I pop pills, and never do any exercise at all."

Absolutely, absolutely amazing, I thought, and asked, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-four," she replied.

Tips for us gals

2009-08-07T05:32:00.001-07:00

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2007 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with Vodka.

1 2. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend/husband!

13. Now smile and send to any woman wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering (and who just might need a reason to smile)

Picture

2009-08-07T05:31:00.003-07:00

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her
nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry........... "Is this your husband?"he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery!"

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

2009-08-07T05:31:00.001-07:00

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
BONUS:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages...

2009-08-07T05:30:00.001-07:00

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Thai
Phom rak khun

Italian
Ti amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida
Nice Ass , Get in the truck.

Mr.Marcos Rezende

2009-08-05T17:35:00.001-07:00

Dear Friend,

I am Mr. Marcos Rezende, a banker in one of the reputable bank in burkina faso. i have decided to contact you on a business proposal of us$10.5m (ten million five hundred thousand united states dollar). the depositor of the said fund died with his entire family during the Iraq war in 2006. the deceased customer used his wife as the next of kin but unfortunately, the wife died along side with him leaving nobody for the claim.

according to our banking law, if the fund remain unclaimed for three (3) years then, the fund will be transfer into the reserve bank of burkina as unclaimed bill. i don't want the fund to go into the bank treasury and as such, let us claim the fund now of which I shall present you as his cousin or business partner so that the bank will transfer the fund into your bank account for us to share, your percentage shall be 50% while 50% will be for me. as an insider in this bank, i assure you that, this
transaction is 100% risk free. if you are willing for the deal, contact me for more details but if you are not capable, please notify me also.

the transaction will take us only 14 banking days. nobody knows about the fund and as such, you must keep the secret within you ok.you must keep this deal as secret for the security of the fund. do not disclose this deal to anybody because i want the secret to be between us only and I shall send the text of the application as to fill and send to the bank for the release of the fund into your bank account on the receipt of your message and again I shall be monitoring the whole situation here in the bank until you confirm the money in your bank account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentage indicated above.

you can see the news in bbc and cnn regarding their death:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm
http://www.cnn.com/2006/world/meast/10/11/iraq.deaths/
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6040054.stm

Finally, i want you to indicate your bank account details where the fund will be transferred to and I shall be glad to hear from you as soon as you receive this message as to enable me give you the application to fill and send to the bank. please, reply me through this my private email marcosrezende2009@yahoo.fr

Best Regard,
Mr.Marcos Rezende,

FROM THE OFFICE OF MR RAZAK MAMADOU.

2009-08-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Friend,Greeting's ! I am Mr razak mamadou, Manager Audit & Account's department,Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.I have business proposal which involves about $25m USD, (Twenty five Million United State dollars only).And after the successful transfer, we shall share in ratio of 40% for you and 60% for me.If you be interested, please contact me through my private email address (razak_mamadou001@yahoo.com) so that I Will give you more information on how we would handle this project, to enable us commence on all arrangements.I look forward for your kind and positive response immediately, Yours sincerely,Mr razak mamadou, Manager Audit & Account's department,Bank of Africa.

HELLO, PLEASE I NEED YOUR URGENT REPLY

2009-07-25T19:24:00.003-07:00

THE DESK OF MR DAMOUSA IBRAHIMA.
BANK OF AFRICA B.O.A.

BILL AND EXCHANGE DEPARTMENT,
OUAGADOUGOU , BURKINA-FASO

Dear Partner,

My name is MR DAMOUSA IBRAHIMA, the Bill and Exchange (assistant) Manager of the BANK OF AFRICA B.O.A, Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.

In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of USD$18.3M (EIGHTEEN MILLION THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S.A DOLLARS). In an account that belongs to this our foreign customer who died along with his wife and children in the plane crash. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as the next of kin or relation to the deceased, as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin died alongside with him in the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

The request of foreigner in this transaction is necessary because our late customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. On the account of your reliability and trust worthiness, I have decided to contact you in order to transfer the said amount into your nominated bank account, its 100% risk free. Upon receipt of the above mentioned I will send to you by fax or E-mail a TEXT OF APPLICATION which you shall re-type and fax to our foreign remittance Department, for easy execution of the transaction.

All necessary documents shall be obtained on your behalf to back-up this claims. Kindly contact me on for security reason and for more explanations and possible means of transferring the fund into your account. If you accept my offer I shall compensate you with 30% of the money, 60% goes to me and my colleague, after which we shall visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated, I am assuring you that with my position this money will hit your account before 21 banking working days. Please indicating your interest and also Contact me via this Email ID(damousaibrahima2009@gmail.com)

Reply with the assurance, come up with the information's showed below:-

1)YOUR FULL NAME............................
2)YOUR AGE...........................
3)MARITAL STATUS...........................
4)YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER............................
5)YOUR FAX NUMBER............................
6)YOUR COUNTRY...........................
7)YOUR OCCUPATION............................
8)SEX............................
9)YOUR RELIGION...........................
10)YOUR PRIVATE E-MAIL ADDRESS............................

NOTE: THIS TRANSACTION IS STRICLY CONFIDENTIAL.

Thanks for your assistance in advance.

Yours Sincerely,
MR DAMOUSA IBRAHIMA.

Hello Desrest

2009-07-25T19:24:00.001-07:00

How are you ? I guess you are fine and living good. my name is vera a beautiful young girl I find you and i'm interesting to know you and establish a serious relationship with you. I wanna be your friend for first friendship cannot be seen or even be touched, it must be felt within the heart.Hoping you feel just the way i do. Wow! friends are like clothes without them you feel naked!I guess am right.I will tell you more about me, my family and all that maybe necessary in this relationship, If this is okay by you feel free to contact me as to enable us get to know each other better. Have a wonderful day with lot of happiness.
best regards

Urgent Attention Needed!!

2009-07-21T05:22:00.001-07:00

Miss Marina James

2009-07-13T06:19:00.001-07:00

Miss Marina James.
(Ekwo Family).
Rue 15 Paris Village.
Abidjan Cote d Ivoire.
I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God
for you to help and my family, God almighty will bless and reward you aboundantly and you would never regreat this.
I am a female student from University of Abidjan, Cocody campus. I am 22yrs old. I'did like any person who can be caring, loving and home oriented.I will love to have a long-term relationship with you and to know more about you. I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming if you can be able to help me in this transaction.

Well, my father died earlier five months ago. He was a king (Traditonal King),
which our town citizens titled him over sixteen years before his death.I was a
princess to him and I am the only person who can take care of his wealth now
because my junior brother still very young and my mother is not literate enough to know all my father's wealth.He left the sum of US$8.5 million (Eight Million Five hundred thousand United States Dollars) in a Bank here in my country.

This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from Shell petroleum development company (S.P.D.C) and chevron oil company operating in our locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our jurisdiction.
I don't know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in abroad, so that my father's kindred will not take over what belongs to my father and our family, which they were planning to do without my present because I am a female as stated by our culture in the town.Now, I urgently need your humble assistance to TRANSFER this money from the Bank into your account . I strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will help me invest this money wisely.
I am ready to offer 10% of the total amount to you if you help us in this transaction and another 10% interest of Annual After Income to you, for handling this transaction for us, which you will strongly have absolute control over.If you can handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in transfering this fund, kindly reach me.
Please note that, this transaction is 100% risk free and I hope to commence the transaction as quick as possible.

Best regard
Miss Marina James.

URGENT ATTENTION!!

2009-07-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Customer/Beneficiary!

Kindly contact our delivery department with the details
Given below: FedEx Courier Express NG©
Contact Person: Mr James Mark
E-mail:fedex_unit00163@yahoo.com.hk
Telephone: +234-703-5838-381.

Reasons: This is due to the fact that we are in possession
Of your Package containing a master card worth of five
Hundred Thousand United State Dollars that was registered
With us by the Master Card Award Team for shipment to you,
You are to act fast by providing your postal address and
Your direct phone number to enable us makes the delivery ASAP.

Note that as soon as our Delivery Team confirms your
Informations, it will take only two working days (48 hours)
For your package to arrive your designated address. For your
Information, the Mail, VAT & Shipping fees have been paid by
The Award Promo Board you will only have to pay a sum of
$120.00 to the FedEx Courier Department being full payment
For the Security Keeping Fee of the FedEx Courier as stated
In our privacy terms & condition page.

Yours Faithfully,
Secretary
Mrs. Mercy Hunt ©
=================================
COPYRIGHT © 2009 MasterCard®.
=================================

PLEASE READ!!! COZ THIS IS REAL MONEY

2009-07-12T04:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Friends,

Please do not take this for a junk letter. Bill Gates is sharing his
fortune. If you ignore this you will repent later. Microsoft and AOL
are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to make sure
that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft
and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track
it (if you are a Microsoft Windows user) for a two week time period.

For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay
you $245.00, for every person that you sent it to that forwards it on,
Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that
receives it, you will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks!, Microsoft
will contact you for your address and then send you a cheque.

The UKNL

2009-07-11T03:47:00.005-07:00

A lump sum of (£1,000,000.00GBP) has been credited to your E-mail Mr.
Michael Smith.(uknl24@w.cn) Provide your
Name,Country,Address,Tel,Occupation.

1,000,000.00 GBP

2009-07-11T03:47:00.003-07:00

Â£1,000,000.00 GBP is now yours.Congrats...Send your details to Mr. MichaelSmith(michaelsmith1@w.cn)Provide your Name,Address,Age,Tel, Occupation

congratulation

2009-07-11T03:47:00.001-07:00

1,350,000.00 GBP has been award to you in the IRISH PROMOTION,send us your Names/Tel/Age/Address/Country:irish_office2@y7mail.com

INFO@CGNL.NET

2009-07-11T03:46:00.000-07:00

A lump sum of (£891,934.00 GBP) have been credited to your E-mail
Address.Congrats...Confirm this receipt by contacting Mr Phil Herald.
+447031907814 on (philherald8@9.cn) your Name:___ Address:___ Age:___
Sex:___ Occupation:___Tel/Fax:___Country

I REALLY NEED YOUR URGENT RESPONSE

2009-07-09T19:22:00.000-07:00

From Mr.Linus Freeman
Private e-mail contact:
( mrlinus_freedom01@hotmail.com )

Dear Friend,

Greetings!!!.

I am Mr.(Linus Freeman), a Chief Accountant. A deceased client of mine, who here in after shall be referred to as my client, died as the result of a heart-related condition on March 12th 2005.

His heart condition was due to the death of his family in fatal car accident. My late Client who is dealing with Gold and Diamond here has a deposit of Six Million Eight Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollars (US$6,820,000.M) left behind in the Africa Development Bank-BF.

I and the Bank Authorities has made every verification to locate any of his relative but all effort was no avail, The Bank today has concluded to divert his funds (US$6,820,000.M) into a Government treasuring Account.

Actually, his Account has been Dormant since his death and order has been given to divert the money into a Government treasuring Account. Instead of the Government using this funds, i choose to share it with you since I knew all about him as my client . If you are interested to do the deal, 50% will be your reward while i gain 50% after the deal.

And this will not take more than 7 working banking days for the money to get's into your Bank Account. Furnish me your private phone/fax numbers, home and office address,Your passport photocopy or Id Card, to enable me file the Application for the transfer.

Note: Keep this as top secret and confidential to yourself for the safety of the money and always reply through my safety home email:(mrlinus_freedom01@hotmail.com} for security reason ok.

Thanks for your kindly attention and please remember to get back to me through my private email contact as directed:(mrlinus_freedom01@hotmail.com}.

Have a nice day.

Best regards,

Mr. Linus Freeman.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION/URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL

2009-07-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

FROM MR FRANCK OBAECHE
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT.
AFRICA OF BANK(B.O.A)
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.

Dear Friend,

(TOP SECRET)

I am Mr Franck Obaeche the director in charge of auditing and accounting section of Bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso in West Africa with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on 26th December 2003 in a plane crash and the fund has been dormant in his accountwith this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development. Although personally, I keep this information secret within myself to enable the whole plans and idea be Profitable and successful during the time of execution. The said amount was U.S $15.5M (Fifteen million Five hundred United States dollars).

Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bonafidenext of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist us and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity.

In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant(A Banker),we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank. This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transferred into on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank where the whole money will be remitted from to your own designation bank account.

I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 30% of the total sum as gratification, while 5% will be set aside to take care of expenses hat may arise during the time of transfer and also telephone bills, while 65% will be for me. Please, you have been adviced to keep "top secret" as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after I conclude this deal with you.

I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice us to invest in All other necessary vital information will be sent to you when I hear from you and try to call me for more clearification +226 75357933.

Yours faithfully,

Mr Franck Obaeche

£1,000,000.00 GBP

2009-07-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

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From Mr Salif Zongo Good Day

2009-07-08T16:50:00.001-07:00

From Mr Salif Zongo Good Day,
I am working with one of the prime bank here in Burkina Faso, can you help me repatriate the sun of 5.5 million dollar to your oversea account based on percentage.
(1) Can you handle this project?
(2) Can I give you this trust?
(3) What will be your commission?
I expect your urgent response if you can handle this project.
Mr.Salif Zongo.

From maria justin

2009-07-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

Dearest one,

Greetings my dearest one,my name is Maria justin yak am 24 years old Girl from Southern sudan.I want to have a common relationship with you, I need to tell you more things, but first I need your help to Stand for me as a trustee.

My father Dr. Justin Yak Arop was the former Minister for SPLA Affairs and Special Adviser to President Salva Kiir of South Sudan for Decentralization. My father Dr. Justin Yak, my mother including other top Military officers and top government officials where on board when the plane crashed on Friday May 02, 2008. You can read more about the crash through the below site:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7380412.stm

Some months after the burial of my father, my uncle conspired with my step mother and sold my father's properties to a Chinese Expatriate. On a faithful morning I opened my father's briefcase and found out document which my beloved late father used and deposit money in a Bank in Burkina Faso , with my name as the next of kin. I travelled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money so that I can start a better life and take care of myself. The Branch manager of the Bank whom I met in person told me that my present status does not permit me by the local law to clear money or make a transfer of money into an account, he advice me to provide a trustee who will help me and invest the money or I should wait till when I will get married it demand by their Authority.

I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own blood sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me. More so, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my uncle has threatened to assassinate me. The amount is $5.8 Million and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso . You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country.

However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies. It is my intention to compensate you with 10% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment As soon as I receive your interest in helping me, I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. Please do keep this only to your self. I beg you not to disclose it till i come over because I am afraid of my wicked uncle who has threatened to kill me.

Sincerely yours
Maria Justin Yak

From Mr Busug Wada

2009-07-07T18:37:00.001-07:00

Dear Friend,

How are you today?. Well it is a pleasure to contact you on this regard and i prayed that this will turned out to be ever lasting relationship for both of us.How ever it's just my urgent need for a Foreign partner that made me to contact you for this Transaction. I am a banker by profession from Burkina-faso in west Africa and currently holding the post of Director Auditing and Accounting Unit of the Bank.

I have the opportunity of transferring the left over fund (15.5 Million Us Dollars)Fifteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States of American Dollars of one of my Bank clients who died along with his supposed next of kin in an
air crash at Kenya on july 21th 2003.

Hence I am inviting you for a business deal where the money can be shared between both of Us in the ratio of 60% / 30% while 10% will be mapped out for expenses.

If you are really intrested in my proposal further details of the Transfer will be forwarded unto you as soon as I receive your return mail.

Have a nice day.
MR BUSU GWADA

From Mr. Welma Omala

2009-07-07T18:36:00.001-07:00

From Mr. Welma Omala
Chife bill exchange manager,
Atlantique Bank,
Ouagadougou,Burkina Faso

Attn:- Sir/Madam,
How are you and how about your family? I hope things are working well for you.Be alert that I am Mr. Welma Omala, the chief billing exchange accountant manager of Atlantique Bank ouaga,BURKINA FASO. I am contacting you for anurgent business transaction. There is an account open in this bank in 2001 and since 2003 nobody has operated on this account again. After going through some old files in the records, I discovered that if I do not remit this money out urgently, it would be forfeited for nothing.

The owner of this account is Mr Raymond Becks, a foreigner, and a manager at Kruger Gold Company, a Geologist by profession and he died since 2002. No other person knows this account or anything concerning the fund, the account has no other beneficiary and my investigation proved to me aswell that this company does not know anything about this account and the money involved is ten Million United States Dollars ($10,000.000.00) only.I am only contacting you because a foreigner bank account is needed for my bank to approved for the transfer and to made it on it.

This fund can not approved by my bank to be made in to a local bank account because the the former owner Mr.RAYMOND BECK is a foreigner too.My dear, be sure that this is a real and genuine business transaction. I only got your contact information from my secretary who operates computer, with believe in God that you will never let me down in this business, considering my position as a public servant, You are the only person that I have contacted you in this business.Please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take immediately.I will only need you to send your private telephone and fax numbers includingthe full details of your account information to be used for the deposit.

Note that i will fly to your country for withdrawal and sharing and for other investment in your kind control,I need your full co-operation to make this tranaction work fine because the management of my bank is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who have correct information of Mr. Remond Beck's bank account.I will give to you the ful inforation of Mr. Remond Beck's bank account as soon as you indicate your sincerity to co-operate with me, and capability to handle such hug amount in sinceririty of purpose,strict/confidence and trust according to my instruction and advice for our mutual benefit because this opportunity may never come again in my life.

I also need a truthful and God fearing person in this business because I don't want to make any mistake so I need your strong assurance and trust.With my position in the office I don't want anything that will jeopardize my job.At the conclusion of this business, you will be giving 35% of the total amount, 60% will be for me, while 5% will be for expenses both parties might have incurred on the process of the transfer. I look forward to your earliest reply.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Welma Omala